Beginning the journey

I've debated for a long time about whether to write about my journey to motherhood. I've been inspired by other blogs which share a lot of personal information in the hopes of soothing or inspiring others. However, I've never thought of myself as any sort of inspiration and I have no control over who reads this so letting the world know personal details of my life is a little intimidating. The more I thought about it, the less I cared about who knows what. I certainly have nothing to feel bad about and I believe so many women have walked in similar shoes preparing to start a family. So here goes.

Shortly after we were married, I remember having a strong desire to start a family. It was like turning on a light switch. Before the wedding, there was lots of talk about waiting a long time but that sure changed quickly. We certainly wanted some time to ourselves and needed to be more financially secure and emotionally prepared to become parents. About a year and a half after we were married, we moved to NC. There were several reasons. I wanted to eventually go back to school for a master's degree/teaching license. Raleigh has great colleges to choose from and a great school district in which to teach. John just graduated and was beginning a career as an IT professional. Raleigh/RTP has no shortage of opportunities. Plus, we were living in his small hometown and he was ready to make a life for himself and his new family without the constant strain his parents were putting upon us. We were very young so we've learned since then the value of boundaries.

Not too long after our move, we decided we'd start trying to have a baby. After a year had passed and some tests were run, I went to the doctor for one of the most memorable visits of my life. She took me to her office. (I've learned this usually means there's a problem.) I was diagnosed with PCOS which essentially means that I rarely ovulate and the egg that I am supposed to release each month instead attaches to the wall of my ovaries causing cysts. The cysts add to the difficulty in ovulation and it's a viscous circle. My doctor said that I may need to start thinking about the fact that I may not be able to get pregnant on my own and biological children may not be a possibility for me. I'm not sure what she said after that. I was in shock and not having children was something that had never crossed my mind. Being a mother was the one thing I was certain I wanted to above all else. I remember crying the entire drive home.

It wasn't long before we decided to start fertility treatments. Anyone who has ever been on them knows, those pills make you crazier than a shithouse rat. My poor husband. He was becoming just as anxious for me to get pregnant at this point, probably just so my head would stop spinning. After a couple months, we had the good news. I was pregnant! I called to make a doctor's appointment. I called my mom. We were all excited. Around this same time, I was starting a new school year with a new boss. My new boss was quite difficult to work with and was wanted to significantly change my position from working with and teaching students to sitting behind the desk and checking out books while keeping quiet. It was a teacher work day and we were preparing for the students return to school. After a stressful morning, I wasn't feeling well. So, I went home for lunch and I had started to spot. I didn't know what to do and was intimidated by my boss so I went back to work and finished the day. When I came home, I knew I was miscarrying. I remember how horrible it was waiting for my husband to come home and then having to say it out loud and see the sadness on his face. It's awful to want something so badly and be so completely powerless in its outcome. (Parenting lesson #1: You aren't ever really in control. It's a good time to start praying to your higher power if you don't already. I never truly knew what it meant to surrender to your faith until I started down this path and it's a lesson that is repeated often.)

We spent until about 5 am in the ER the following morning. I had no choice but to rest and take the day off especially since we were flying out the following day for my best friend's wedding. I couldn't bring myself to tell my best friend and bring her down on what was one of the happiest days of her life. So I didn't really break down until after the wedding was over and we were back at the hotel. I learned quickly that for whatever reason, that pregnancy wasn't meant to be. I remember telling one of my friends that the miscarriage made me more certain than ever that I had chosen the right man to be the father of my children. He was there for me and he emotionally felt everything that I did. I decided that I didn't want any more fertility treatments for awhile. I figured if God had an angel for me, he would find a way to send him/her when he thought I was ready. I was pregnant with Isabelle on my next cycle.