My baby is turning 10 months old next week and I haven't blogged in more than 6 months. What a roller coaster it has been! So much has happened that I could have written about but usually sitting at the computer is a luxury. And, I currently have the attention span required of facebook and pinterest. However, today is a new day. Last night, I slept for the first night in more than 18 months! Yep. My brain was still "dream-active" but I finally reached a couple REM cycles and it felt good to wake up this morning.

I've debated for months about how to document this latest journey in motherhood while still protecting myself and my family from the general population that could read this blog. We've chosen to keep the details private because unfortunately there are people in our lives who've tried to use information about us as gossip or to further a personal agenda rather than simply loving and supporting us as a family unit. I've been going through some health challenges--nothing that cannot heal in time, as far as we currently know. I say that because I've realized so much of medicine is trial and error and testing and re-testing. I am still very much in that stage where there are unanswered questions and some experimentation with medicines. Yet, I don't have any doubt that this is merely God's way of reminding me to focus on his blessings and use these challenges to better appreciate my journey. I personally know women who are fighting for their lives right now and I am not one of them. These women have brought me daily inspiration and praying for them has allowed me the opportunity to be a better mother.

I have learned so much about myself and life during these past months. Originally, I felt guilty about my health care costs taking away from our family budget and our children's activities. Now, I am choosing not to feel guilty about that anymore. We were still able to give the kids a great birthday party, which was a splurge, and one I felt they probably needed. And, as my husband said, "you are the engine that drives this ride. If you aren't running well then none of us are moving forward." It was sweet and insightful but perhaps a bit of an exaggeration of my role. Yet, he has a valid point that I need to take care of myself so I can take care of everyone else and we'd find a way to make it work if it were anyone else in our family so, why not me? Thankfully, it has provided opportunities to be more creative in how we spend our time together. Note: vinegar has become a great ally in cleaning, too! :-)

I am very grateful for my family and we are very blessed. There will always be unanswered questions in some manner or other and my learning that I can't always control the direction this family is driving is one I will have to keep reminding myself. I am one lucky woman and learning to focus only on the blessings of today and not on the desires of  tomorrow by saying "someday we'll ..." is indeed a struggle but the reward seems to grow and the worries seem to fade. 

My daughter jumped off the diving board today. She just turned 4. I was encouraging her while feeling like my heart was in my stomach until she popped her head up and said, "look, Momma, I did it!" My son turns 3 next week and much of our time is spent in the thrones of potty training. He's doing much better than I'd anticipated and continues to surprise me. He had a great moment today and all he wanted was my excitement at his accomplishment. Yesterday, my baby said ma-ma for the first time and belly-laughs when I shake my hair around. With all this love and all this growing and learning, how could I possibly feel anything but loved and blessed?

My prayers and thoughts are with those who are struggling with their own health issues and especially the families and victims of the Colorado shooting and any other senseless act of violence.