Enjoying the wait

I had planned to blog more this summer but I suppose we were too busy having fun. We traveled home for my cousin's wedding and were able to spend some nice quality time with my family. Isabelle was a beautiful flower girl. Ryan turned 2 and is going to be a big brother soon which is hard to believe. And, we had a great time riding out Hurricane Irene by watching movies and placing items on Momma's belly to watch the baby kick them off. Those are the highlights and now it's officially autumn.

This is my last week as a mother of two children. Next week, I will be a mother of three children, three years and younger. I feel blessed and excited but I'd be remiss if I didn't say I also feel a little anxious. John and I had talked about how amazing it is that you can't imagine another person in your family because you haven't met them yet--despite the growing pregnancy. However, the second your child is born, you can't imagine your family without that child as if they'd always been there. It's a truly humbling and amazing experience. There are so many movies and books about romance and finding your soul mate. So much of our culture is focused on the experience of romantic love. Yet, I feel like there's this big secret missing from all those stories. When it comes to having babies, you hear more about changing diapers and losing sleep than the miracle of falling in love again. Each time you bring a child into this world you are able to experience a new love all over again. You fall in love with your child and you fall into a deeper love with your spouse. That is the blessing, excitement and anticipation of having another child as well as the journey of discovering their unique personality.

The anxiousness comes from the reality and earthly logistics of expanding your family. I worry about the changes for my other children and how they will handle a new sibling. I worry about finances particularly with this one because of the state of the economy and the extreme pinch we've felt with inflation since our first child. And, I know what it takes to have a newborn in the house again. I remember the exhaustion of nursing, the lack of sleep, and the caginess that comes with protecting the babies from outside illnesses. I also worry about my husband's first two months with a new baby in the house. Of course, fathers fall in love with their children when they meet but they haven't had the same bonding experience of living with that child as a mother has had for the past 9 months. Mothers have already changed everything about their lives to prepare for the birth of that child and have been feeling that child living within them for months. I always have to remind myself that my husband didn't have that experience in order to respect his unique journey. Sure, the belly was there and he was engaged but his priority was me. For him, his world gets turned upside down on the day of the birth not during a pregnancy test or a sonogram or feeling those first kicks.

Despite the anxious feelings and the excitement of waiting for the big day, I feel the most relaxed about this birth than the others. By now, I've learned that I'm not in control. I've learned to surrender to what will be. Only God knows what child will be coming into our lives and I trust God to prepare me in caring for this new life. The best example I can think of is when women get so caught up in the planning of their wedding. They plan details and logistics for months with so many going overboard these days. Yet, the truly beautiful weddings are the ones where the women allow themselves to surrender control of those details on the wedding day. They trust that they've done everything they can to make it a beautiful occasion for everyone and they let go of the preconceived ideas of how that day should be in order to live in the moment. They spend the day celebrating their love with their partner and enjoying the experience of that day. That is my goal for the remainder of this pregnancy and the birth of this child. The house may not be totally clean by the time my mom arrives and I may not have my hospital bag packed until we leave but I will take time to enjoy our family as a foursome and the ability to take a nap.

Summer fun

We are having a fantastic summer so far! We were able to take our first family vacation together as just our little family and I have to say it was worth all the packing and driving hassle and more. We drove to the Outer Banks town of Buxton, NC where the Cape Hatteras lighthouse is located. It's a quieter area and we were able to camp in a cabin for the week. The kids had a blast, especially Isabelle. We went sightseeing during the weekdays by going to the lighthouse and taking a day trip to Ocracoke Island. Then, relaxed on the weekend by going to the beach and the pier. We were able to grill and cook our own meals but also enjoyed going out for seafood a few times. The whole trip was relaxed and we went at our own pace. We were unplugged from all our computers, phones and TV and just enjoyed each other as a family and creatively had fun. It was a priceless experience just to relax as a family without any outside "noise."

Two weeks ago tomorrow, I had one of those days "making memories" days that as a mom just warms you from the inside out. If someone asks me to go to my happy place, it will be the memory of that day that I try to relive or escape back to in my mind. The funny thing is that it was an absolutely simple day. We had a beach practically to ourselves. The weather was perfect. Isabelle and John spent hours building sand castles. We were in and out of the ocean, discovering and playing and laughing and swimming. We had a picnic lunch in our little beach tent, fed the seagulls the kids' leftovers, Ryan took a nap in the tent and I took some time to soak it all in. Everyone was happy and we were in our own little world. It was one of those quiet yet profound moments when I could see my blessings around me and all was well in our little corner of the world.

So, now we are home and I was sad, at first, for our vacation to be over. Moms know when you come home from vacation everyone drops their bags and moves on to the next thing while you unpack and do laundry. In our case, it was also my deadline for getting my daughter potty-trained. Ugh. I let myself feel sorry for myself for about a minute and then I thought about how fortunate we were to have our vacation at all. Plus, potty training may be a pain but it is nothing compared to what others are going through right now.

Then, I heard a story of a family. A friend of a friend recently received a diagnosis for their 3 month old baby for a condition that is incurable and the baby will be lucky to survive past its 6 month birthday. I don't personally know these people and I won't elaborate too much because I don't believe it's my story to tell. I just know pieces of their story and truly can't imagine holding my baby knowing that I won't see the child grow and dream of its future. I remember very well the feeling of not knowing whether your child will survive. I remember sitting outside the birthing center in a daze watching new moms and dads take their healthy babies home while mine was upstairs connected to machines. I remember thinking it was unfair and that I had done everything right in my pregnancy. I remember being angry that God believed I was strong enough for that challenge. However, my family was blessed and our prayers were answered so loudly and clearly that I now have a healthy, happy little boy. When I heard the story of this family and even now thinking about it, my heart is breaking open for them. For God to give them such an angel, they must have the inner strength capable of moving mountains. My prayer for them is that in this short time, they have many "making memories" days where they can concentrate of each other and just be there to love and laugh together as a family with a support system that can carry them through what will be unimaginable to so many of us.

I wish you all a summer filled of peaceful, fun days with your loved ones and many "making memories" days!

Settled

I wish I had my daughter's enthusiasm about my past birthday as she does about hers. Every time I turn around she's telling someone that she's going to be 3 this summer or she is asking me what has to happen before she turns 3. She was the youngest in her preschool class and she is genuinely more excited about turning 3 than her birthday party. We've barely even talked about that. So, when my 30th came and went this week rather quietly I thought how much has changed since childhood. My mom reminded me of the time I was so excited about my birthday that I put on my birthday dress first thing in the morning and drug a chair into my grandma's driveway. I sat there all day waiting for people to arrive for my party that afternoon. I have found the only thing interesting about turning 30 was that I was doing a lot of reflection on where I am in my life and where I want to go from here.

I don't have any qualms about turning 30 and despite my little sisters' teasing, I don't feel old in the least. I am happy I survived my early 20s and I'm surprised at how fast the second half of my 20s flew by. I met my husband when I was 20 and we had some crazy but fun times together becoming the adults we are today. Now, I believe I married too young (23) but at least I married the right person so we've been able to grow and share our lives together. We managed to relocate to a beautiful area and begin rewarding careers. We've bought a house and had two amazing and beautiful children with a third on the way. I've earned my master's degree while staying at home with infants and toddlers. I am nothing but proud and happy for where we are and the direction I feel we are headed in today.

I have to say the most fun I had on my birthday was listening to my friends' messages and phone calls, reading cards and overall feeling really loved. I took the kids to a children's museum so we could enjoy the day together without chores and we went to Steak 'n Shake for dinner. I used to work at a SNS in high school so I always feel young there. My husband and I celebrated my birthday on the weekend by getting a sitter, having a fancy dinner and walking to the movie theater to see Hangover 2. That was great! We realized it had been a year since we had just had dinner without children and enjoyed each other. (Our other dates revolved around a quick dinner and hockey games.) We reminisced about our early marriage and what it was like when we just decided to go somewhere on a whim or sleep in. And, then we were really excited to see the kids the next morning because just a single night off makes it easier to see how blessed your life really is now.

There isn't anything I would change about my life. I would say that only thing that is tough is feeling like you are sitting on the sidelines in your career especially when I've really found something I love to do. It's not always easy to watch your friends climb their respective ladders when you feel like when it is your time you will be playing catch up. It's nothing that bothers me to the point to change our family life right now though. I believe raising my children into hopefully wonderful people is perhaps the most satisfying thing I will ever be able to do with my life. Plus, I am often reminded of something my mom has said to me, "as women we can have it all, just not necessarily all at the same time." I have no doubt that when it is time I will have a wonderful career because I know I have a lot left to give.

In between my birthday and the day my hubby and I celebrated, we had to spend a morning in court settling the car accident the kids and I were in 2 years ago. A man ran a red light as we were almost completely through the intersection. Ryan wasn't yet 2 months old. The court appearance and settlement didn't go as we had hoped. There was no dispute about fault but we also never hired a lawyer because we didn't think the lawyer fee would make it worthwhile so when all was said and done we walked away feeling like the insurance companies involved were the ones that were protected. I felt like I failed Ryan after every hoop we've jumped through. There was a minor settlement reached and hopefully when Ryan turns 18, the courts will be able and capable of releasing the funds so he can have a down-payment on college. I don't want to come back to this topic and I am relieved to have this matter settled. However, I just have to say there is something wrong with our system when there is so much burden of proof on the innocent party. I can't tell you the amount of time that was spent being shuffled about insurance personnel, calling for records and billings, filing and refiling paperwork, etc. The other thing that got us is that we pay our health insurance provider to cover us and when they knew that the auto insurance was claiming liability they wanted to be reimbursed. Understandable but instead of being reimbursed by the insurance company, they are reimbursed from the settlement. And then the settlement is given to the court system until the youngest minor turns 18. So, the only thing worse than insurance companies haggling over money was getting the government involved. In 16 years, this will be over. For now, I'm going to focus on packing for the beach!

Bringing Home Ryan

Our sweet Ryan was the best kind of surprise we've had in our marriage. With our struggles to conceive and our preoccupation as new parents, we never gave it much thought that we could have another child so easily. I found out I was expecting when Isabelle was about 3 months old. I was a new mom, pregnant again and a full-time graduate student. Talk about busy. Thankfully, it was a very easy pregnancy. I had no morning sickness unlike with my first. Instead, I had horrible heartburn but thanks to science that is manageable these days with over the counter meds. He was a much more active baby and the kicks were strong and regular. The pregnancy went pretty quickly since I had my hands full and even though I was busy, I wasn't stressed with work issues or anything.

Ryan was a week overdue and my doctor's thought we were heading down the same road with him being a large baby. So, we went ahead and scheduled a c-section. I was a bit bummed ahead of time but when we arrived at the hospital another woman was in labor and literally screaming at her husband and moaning/groaning and I thought well, I'm glad that isn't me. It's a bizarre experience to walk into an operating room without having been in labor and knowing that soon you are going to have a baby with very little transition from being pregnant to mother of another little angel. This c-section was perfect. I didn't feel any pain like the first, just pressure and discomfort. Ryan was quite handsome, lots of black hair and very dark eyes! His features reminded me of Isabelle and hearing his cry was just as amazing. It's an instantaneous feeling of joy and shedding tears the minute your baby is delivered and you hear his first cry. By all accounts, Ryan was healthy. I remember the first time I saw Ryan, I asked if he was okay and if he was healthy several times. John asked what the deal was and why I was worried. I said I just felt like something was wrong. Everyone around me reassured me that he was perfectly healthy 9 lb. baby boy.

So, we went back to the room and my mom and sister brought Isabelle by to meet him. Ryan started nursing just fine. It was a great first day. I had thought that I had seen him discolored at times but nothing I could understand. At night, I was encouraged to sleep but I didn't trust myself to fall asleep with Ryan or for him to be unsupervised. This is completely uncharacteristic of me but I followed my instincts and told them to take him to the nursery. I was nursing every couple hours so he was never gone long. The next morning, I laid him down on the bed in front of me to check his diaper and he turned blue. I immediately pushed the call button and told her my baby is turning blue. There was no verbal response just a group of nurses running in, swooping him up and sprinting down the hallway to the NICU. I've never seen nurses move so fast in my life. I can still feel the silence in that room when it was all of a sudden just John and I. We had no idea what was happening and our mind took us to very dark places for the next week.

I wasn't able to see Ryan for a few hours until he was "stable." There was a team of neonatal doctors that would come and update us regularly. Ryan had a lot of tests from metabolic to MRIs to cat-scans and eventually EEGs. They had given him anti-seizure medication that first day per the neurologists evaluation. But, no one could really figure out what was going on with him for more than a week. It was maddening. About 24 hours after my surgery, I was walking the hallways every 2-3 hours from my room to his in the NICU. I thought it was the only thing I could control and the only way I could really help him. The nurses and doctors didn't want me holding him too much and even when I did he had to stay hooked up to all those wires so it was a challenge. There were moments during that week that I just can't verbalize. I don't know how to explain what it feels like to watch your infant struggle and wonder if he is going to survive. I remember the first night Ryan spent in the NICU, I was in so much pain physically and emotionally and thoroughly exhausted that I had to have help showering. Under any other circumstances, I would have found that embarrassing or feel like a weak mother but in this case those thoughts didn't even register at the time.

Time passed in a sort of fog that week. I spent every minute I could with Ryan. My nurses usually had to come find me in the NICU for my meds. I had a long hospital stay with a c-section and was given an additional day because of Ryan's NICU stay but after that, they kicked me out. I had the room until midnight and I think I stayed until then or later. I had to make sure Ryan had enough of my frozen breastmilk at the hospital for when I was sent home so I was still pumping every couple hours at home. Once I was home, we started a new routine where John would take me to the hospital at about 6 am. He would go to work and I would wait until the NICU opened and spend the day there. He would come pick me up for lunch and pick me up after work for dinner. My mom and sister were watching Isabelle at home and cooking meals and taking care of everything I couldn't. After dinner, John or my mom would go back to the hospital with me and stay there until about 11 pm. I was only able to be with Ryan for so much time because I had people who were taking care of me. Otherwise, I doubt I would have eaten anything and probably would have insisted the rules of bringing other siblings to the NICU didn't apply to me. (I could never get away with that. Getting in and out of the NICU required a high security profile and I couldn't walk down the hall for water or the bathroom without signing in and out.) In all seriousness, there were people who showed me such love and support and prayers for my son, that it made a huge difference. There are people who unexpectedly touched our lives and I will never forget it.

Ryan was given a 24 hour Video EEG after he was off any medication to study his brain and nothing unusual was shown so the EEG was to be continued until something was spotted. Everything else the medical professionals could think of had been eliminated so they believed it was his brain. 48 hours into this Video EEG, I call the hospital because it was a weekend morning and we were driving in. I couldn't wait another 20 minutes to find out how the night went. He had another "episode" and it was caught on tape. You never want your child to have an "episode," which was the medical term these folks used up to his point, but he couldn't be treated or come home until he had one. The neurologist was called once we got there and he came in for his weekend morning. He went over the EEG and kept Ryan hooked up while we sat there together. As we were sitting there, Ryan went into a full blown seizure. The neurologist would not let anyone intervene with medication or oxygen. We were terrified and powerless to watch his little body convulse. But, he came out of it. I said it out loud, "he came out of it." The neurologist looked at the nurses and said this is why I didn't want you to intervene. This mother needs to take her child home without thinking if she walks away for a minute or if the baby is in his crib that he can suddenly die. We now know he's having seizures and he will survive. Finally, someone looked me in the eye and said he will survive this. Complete relief.

In order to leave the hospital, Ryan had to be seizure free for 3 days. So, he was started on anti-seizure medication and we were able to bring him home by the end of the week. Bringing home Ryan was an amazing day. It took me a long time to make that drive back to the hospital without crying along the way. Ryan's seizures are still undiagnosed to this day which is a great thing. As far as brains go, mysteries in children are typically better than a diagnosis. He's been seizure free since he left the hospital. He's been off his seizure medication since he turned 7 months old. He's hit all the major milestones, walking was a big one. He's now starting to talk. Once he is 3 years seizure-free, we can say he no longer is considered to have epilepsy. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome from where we are standing today. Ryan is a huge joy and an easy-going, sweet child.

Welcoming Isabelle!

I wanted to continue my previous post and document Isabelle's coming into this world. It took a little while for me to realize I was pregnant because I stopped trying and I didn't know when to expect a cycle after miscarriage. I remember calling and speaking to a nurse at my doctors' practice like it was yesterday. I told her that I hadn't had a cycle in two months and asked if that was normal after m/c. She said, "honey, have you taken a pregnancy test?" Well, no. "Why don't you go ahead and take one and call us back if it's positive to make an appointment? Your cycle should have returned by now." Well, okay! Sure enough, it was positive. I think John about fell out of his chair when I told him that night.

We were both a bit gun-shy about telling anyone so we waited until after the first trimester which we've continued to do with our pregnancies. Of course, there are a couple exceptions like my mother and our very closest friends. The entire pregnancy was nerve-wracking. I had no idea what to expect. The books only help you so much. I was also afraid to do anything from exercising to eating any type of fish, or consuming any caffeine. During the course of the pregnancy, the doctors found a heart irregularity where her heart would skip a beat every so often. So, we had a lot of regular and high-risk ultrasounds. It was a lot of fun to watch her grow on a regular basis but it's also a bit unnerving to know your baby may have a heart problem. Thankfully, she grew out of it by the time she was born so she's never had any complications.

One fun thing about going from a couple to a family were the baby showers. Unless your children are far apart in ages or you have a special circumstance, the baby showers are typically just for the first pregnancy. It was so much fun to create a nursery and go on a baby shopping spree with my mom for tiny clothes. We didn't find out if we were having a boy or a girl which made it much more fun to hear old wives tales and listen to family and friends guessing the sex. It really was a fun pregnancy. Plus, the only time I was willing to show off pictures of my baby bump!

I was working full time and going to graduate school during this pregnancy so I was exhausted. About a month before my due date, my doctors pulled me out of work because of high blood pressure which we all believed was due to my job/boss at the time and turned out to be true. After about a week at home, my blood pressure was fine and I could just prepare for the baby. My grad classes were over for the semester and it was a great month spent in a brand new house. (We had also bought our first house about two months before my due date.) My due date came and went. I also had the humiliating experience of going to the hospital with false labor. Thankfully, we didn't tell too many people.

My doctors allowed me to go to 42 weeks before scheduling me for induction. They don't so much schedule you as call you one morning and tell you to come in that day. We had to board the dog, etc. I was given Pitocin and the contractions went from zero to whoa very quickly. I think John and I played one game of Rummy before I couldn't focus on anything but the contractions. I labored for about 10 hours before I gave into an epidural. I didn't want one until I was far along but a nurse told me that with the contractions I was having and the lack of break between them, I should have been pushing by then. It's tough to get an epidural in the middle of labor. You have to sit perfectly still while contracting which was certainly a chore. My anesthesiologist was less than desirable and had the nurse answer his phone and speak for him while he was putting the needle in my back rather than letting the nurse help keep me calm since they don't allow your husband near you at that point. The killer was that the phone call was about how he had messed up an epidural and had to go back to another room.

Anyways, we thought the epidural might help calm me and allow my body to relax and progress more. I never progressed more than 3-4 cm. After another 2-3 hours, we decided to listen to the doctors and have a cesarean. The doctors were theorizing that the baby had grown too big to pass the pelvis and were telling us how in some cases they have to break the baby's arm or collarbone to birth naturally. That was unimaginable so the doctor gave the order to stop the Pitocin and restart the epidural drug. (The dose had initially been too high and I couldn't feel/move one of my arms.) Unfortunately, this was pretty late at night/early in the morning and no one followed the order. I told my nurse that I was feeling my contractions while being wheeled to the delivery room. I also vomited on the way there. Fun times! My doctor had some choice words for the nurse for not being properly prepared for delivery (had contacts on, the Pitocin was still running, etc.).

In a cesarean, there is a test cutting before you get started which I passed. But when the deeper cutting started, I apparently screamed and my eyes rolled back in my head. Everyone backed away from the table, checking my epidural meds and the surgical nurse wasted no time in delivering morphine. This is when they realized how low my pain dose was. Evidently, there is a significant difference in what you feel given and epidural in comparison to a spinal block which is often used in scheduled c-sections. I felt a lot of pulling and tugging and contrary to popular belief, you very much feel the moment your baby has left your body. Once I heard her cry, I didn't care about anything of it. John was able to see her and bring her to me. She was absolutely perfect. Tiny pink face and a gorgeous, healthy baby. We had so many compliments on her from nurses in the hospital and when I started walking her the hallways. There is nothing in the world like having your first baby. I could follow her schedule and sleep when she slept. Isabelle Erin was 9lbs. 8 oz. and sure enough she had a huge circle/indentation around her head where she had been pressed on the pelvis bone for weeks but couldn't go anywhere.

Isabelle has been such a blessing. She has been amazingly healthy as an infant and toddler. She's one smart cookie with an enormous heart. I will always treasure that first year together where it was just us and so simple. She slept through the night almost immediately and she was content to sit in a bouncer next to me while I worked on my school work. We had our struggles like her very distinct early afternoon fussy time. Or her fear of being in the dark in the car which induced blood curling screams. It's hard to believe she's going to be 3 years old next month. Treasure those babies because they become little kids in a blink of an eye. Every time you get sick of a phase, they grow out of it and start something new.

Beginning the journey

I've debated for a long time about whether to write about my journey to motherhood. I've been inspired by other blogs which share a lot of personal information in the hopes of soothing or inspiring others. However, I've never thought of myself as any sort of inspiration and I have no control over who reads this so letting the world know personal details of my life is a little intimidating. The more I thought about it, the less I cared about who knows what. I certainly have nothing to feel bad about and I believe so many women have walked in similar shoes preparing to start a family. So here goes.

Shortly after we were married, I remember having a strong desire to start a family. It was like turning on a light switch. Before the wedding, there was lots of talk about waiting a long time but that sure changed quickly. We certainly wanted some time to ourselves and needed to be more financially secure and emotionally prepared to become parents. About a year and a half after we were married, we moved to NC. There were several reasons. I wanted to eventually go back to school for a master's degree/teaching license. Raleigh has great colleges to choose from and a great school district in which to teach. John just graduated and was beginning a career as an IT professional. Raleigh/RTP has no shortage of opportunities. Plus, we were living in his small hometown and he was ready to make a life for himself and his new family without the constant strain his parents were putting upon us. We were very young so we've learned since then the value of boundaries.

Not too long after our move, we decided we'd start trying to have a baby. After a year had passed and some tests were run, I went to the doctor for one of the most memorable visits of my life. She took me to her office. (I've learned this usually means there's a problem.) I was diagnosed with PCOS which essentially means that I rarely ovulate and the egg that I am supposed to release each month instead attaches to the wall of my ovaries causing cysts. The cysts add to the difficulty in ovulation and it's a viscous circle. My doctor said that I may need to start thinking about the fact that I may not be able to get pregnant on my own and biological children may not be a possibility for me. I'm not sure what she said after that. I was in shock and not having children was something that had never crossed my mind. Being a mother was the one thing I was certain I wanted to above all else. I remember crying the entire drive home.

It wasn't long before we decided to start fertility treatments. Anyone who has ever been on them knows, those pills make you crazier than a shithouse rat. My poor husband. He was becoming just as anxious for me to get pregnant at this point, probably just so my head would stop spinning. After a couple months, we had the good news. I was pregnant! I called to make a doctor's appointment. I called my mom. We were all excited. Around this same time, I was starting a new school year with a new boss. My new boss was quite difficult to work with and was wanted to significantly change my position from working with and teaching students to sitting behind the desk and checking out books while keeping quiet. It was a teacher work day and we were preparing for the students return to school. After a stressful morning, I wasn't feeling well. So, I went home for lunch and I had started to spot. I didn't know what to do and was intimidated by my boss so I went back to work and finished the day. When I came home, I knew I was miscarrying. I remember how horrible it was waiting for my husband to come home and then having to say it out loud and see the sadness on his face. It's awful to want something so badly and be so completely powerless in its outcome. (Parenting lesson #1: You aren't ever really in control. It's a good time to start praying to your higher power if you don't already. I never truly knew what it meant to surrender to your faith until I started down this path and it's a lesson that is repeated often.)

We spent until about 5 am in the ER the following morning. I had no choice but to rest and take the day off especially since we were flying out the following day for my best friend's wedding. I couldn't bring myself to tell my best friend and bring her down on what was one of the happiest days of her life. So I didn't really break down until after the wedding was over and we were back at the hotel. I learned quickly that for whatever reason, that pregnancy wasn't meant to be. I remember telling one of my friends that the miscarriage made me more certain than ever that I had chosen the right man to be the father of my children. He was there for me and he emotionally felt everything that I did. I decided that I didn't want any more fertility treatments for awhile. I figured if God had an angel for me, he would find a way to send him/her when he thought I was ready. I was pregnant with Isabelle on my next cycle.

Sick and Tired

The good news is there is a great reason for being so sick and tired. We are expecting to welcome our third baby the first week of October. The bad news is when you are in the middle of "morning" sickness and the kind of fatigue that tranquilizes you, it seems like it lasts forever. That's how I spent February and March. I was so thrilled to be finished with the first trimester and starting to feel better. That's when my kiddos came down with a funk. They didn't have a fever and they bounced back quickly. However, I have not. I've spent the past 4 days coughing and wheezing. Thank goodness my husband was home for the weekend so I could rest and avoid the smells of cooking. I wasn't totally worthless, I did pull together a Sunday night dinner. But, right now, I'm thoroughly tired of being sick and sick of being tired.

I remember being sick as a kid and mom would take care of everything for you. The biggest problem you had was not getting bored and what flavor popsicle would be best for that oh so sore throat. It's so funny to get sick as a Mom now. If I take a nap or lean on my partner more than usual, I feel guilty. After awhile I know that laundry will eventually attack me if I don't keep up with it. Plus, nothing stops in family life when Mom is sick. Isabelle still has preschool and those eggs aren't going to fill themselves for her party. I know all Moms can relate. I know full-time working Moms who don't take off work when they are sick because they need their time off when the kids are sick. So, I guess it could always be worse! At least I can stay in my PJ's.

Off topic, but I have become totally obsessed with the Decorah eagles. We started watching them before the eaglets hatched and now the kids are into it. Every morning, they have to see them before breakfast and they get so excited watching and talking about them. I have to say, it has been amazing to watch the gentle parenting of these bald eagles. My favorite time to see them is right before I go to bed. Momma eagle will be half-asleep and you see one of the eaglets peeking out from under her and she has to tuck it back in. It cracks me up to realize all of us who parent loose a lot of sleep. Here's praying they stay safe through the Iowa Spring storms.

Loving life

Spring is emerging in Carolina! The red buds are blooming and the established daffodils are in bloom (mine will take a little longer). I've ordered my seeds and come March 1st, I will allow myself to start turning the garden beds. For my Midwestern friends who saw snow this week, I promise you will see signs of spring in a few weeks. I find it amazing how much weather can affect our spirits. We've had our windows open, fresh air coming in the house and running around outside with light jackets. For the most part, the winter boredom and restlessness has lifted from my family. I am very grateful!

I mention the weather because it mirrors exactly how I am feeling right now. I realized that I really am living in peace. Sure there are rainy days and I have had bouts of sadness during these last days with my grandma. However, I am mostly enjoying these moments watching the awe of my children literally growing before me every day. And, thinking of the new life blossoming in the Spring.

Realistically, I have two toddlers right now so there are plenty of moments where I have to breathe deep so I don't pull out my own hair. My daughter's big thing right now is, "Momma, watch this..." and she does something like stand on her toes or wiggle her nose. Cute, right? Yes, the first 100 times. Now, I get that phrase every day all day long probably about 50 times, no exaggeration. I obviously have started the auto responses, "uh-huh," "great, sweetie," "that's nice," and "Momma's (driving, on the phone, cooking dinner, in the bathroom...) so I can't watch right now." I had the epiphany that just like I can't hold her like when she was an infant, this, too, will be over in a blink of an eye and instead of wanting to show me everything she will be showing her friends. So, Momma tries to watch everything she can and soak it up because that's what these days are about, aren't they? These sweet days are the foundation and building blocks that give us strength when these same babies head into their coming days of independence and eventually the dark side of teenage years.

Update

I don't think anyone is actually following this blog but if so, I do apologize for my hiatus. I laughed because my last entry was at the beginning of my final semester of graduate school. It's obvious that although it has been an interesting several months of parenting and graduating, I just didn't have the time or energy to rehash the experience.

To play catch up, I had an amazing internship experience and met/worked with some fantastic women. My cousin Mike came out for a Thanksgiving visit and my grandfather-in-law passed away that week, too. My mother and husband conspired to bring Mom to my graduation. It was such a blessing to have her with us as well as her spending the weekend before Christmas with the kids. The holidays were great and we really enjoyed our little family along with some great snowy weather. We've all taken many turns being sick this winter but are no worse for wear. And, to round it out, the long anticipated NHL All-Star game weekend finally came and went.

I've been asked the same question several times and asked it of myself, what now? Well, for the first time in my life I have no specific plan of when I will be returning to work. (Certainly, when the kids are in school.) I was the girl that worked 3 jobs in college after all. It's funny because I finally found my "dream job" as a school librarian but I also know that I have the rest of my life to work as long as my delayed entry into the field doesn't hinder my ability to be hired. I can tell you that I feel blessed for the opportunity to be with my children at home now. They are only so young for such a short amount of time. It's not easy but we've made this work for our family. It helps that they are really well-adjusted, happy kids. There are times when I wonder what should I be doing right now. I have no papers, tests or discussions. So, I've been cleaning and doing all those to-do projects that usually never get done. I'm reconnecting with friends and making new friends, becoming involved in stay-at-home mom activities like play dates, library times, museum visits, and of course "neighborhood watch block captain."

I've talked to some of my good friends who work full-time and some who are also moms and I've seen the look or heard the questioning in their voice about how I could get a master's and not look for a job. I often feel like I have to defend myself every time someone asked. So, when I called one of my best friends last weekend, I couldn't have felt better. And, frankly, I was in shock because it was the first time anyone had said this to me. She asked if I was looking for a job and I simply said no. Without missing a beat, she said good for you! I'm so happy for you and proud of you for doing what you really want to do right now. She continued to say don't even worry about a job being available when the time comes, it will be there and that she was so proud of us making the sacrifices we needed to so this could work out for us. I was already content with my decision but it was so nice to have an enthusiastic validation without ever having to explain why. It was particularly special coming from a working professional who works like crazy and has really excelled in her field. Thanks, Tricia!

This has all made me think about how as women we should keep trying to support each other regardless of whether we work in and/or out of the home. When I was in school, I didn't feel like I fit in with the stay-at-home moms because I did have a lot of deadlines and projects and couldn't do a lot. When I spent time with working moms, I didn't feel like I fit in because I wasn't in a routine of having children in daycare and juggling a career. It's a horrible feeling and I do believe that we've come a long way in accepting mothers' choices in the past 20+ years but we can still do better. I don't believe children are better off with stay-at-home moms or working moms. I think it is what is the best fit for the family and more often than not, it's not a choice either way. Some moms have to work to pay the bills and some moms have to stay home because their salary doesn't pay enough for multiple children in daycare. Anyways, this is the last post on this topic. I'd love feedback from other mothers on their experiences! Yet, I'm also not sure anyone reads this. All the best!