The day I became a Momma

I've noticed that as time passes, I start to forget details about many moments in motherhood. It's natural but I wanted to take a moment to document my experience becoming a mother. I was thrilled to be pregnant with Isabelle! It was a long, difficult road just to become pregnant. When I found out, I was shocked and so nervous to do anything for the entire pregnancy. I wouldn't even let myself have soda or cold meats or allergy meds. To compound my neurosis, Isabelle had an irregular heartbeat so I had many, many appointments and ultrasounds so the doctors could monitor her. I loved being able to see her so often and it helped calm my nerves that my doctors were so diligent. We wanted to be surprised about the sex of the baby so that was a chore for all the doctors and specialists to keep it a secret. As you can guess, the irregular heartbeat made the pregnancy higher-risk. So, near the end, my blood pressure was very high for me. They told me to stop working and get off my feet. Of course, my blood pressure was great after that!

My sister came to stay with us near my due date and I became violently ill. It was awful and my poor sister had to hang out when I couldn't hold any food down and couldn't do anything. Then, there was the false alarm where John and I went to the hospital and they sent us home. I had Braxton-Hicks contractions throughout the 2nd-3rd trimesters and when you've never been in labor before you have no idea what to expect. But, you do feel like an idiot when they send you home from the hospital and you are overdue. My doctors allowed me to go two weeks beyond my due date because of Isabelle's heartbeat and because I wanted to have the "natural" experience. HA! On my last appointment, Isabelle's heartbeat was normal. Her heart had healed/finished growing in the irregular valve. We were also told that the baby was going to be larger than 10 pounds. I got dizzy and had to sit down on the way out. I believe John laughed or maybe he didn't have to for me to have some choice words.

The next morning, a nurse called and said to come to the hospital to be induced. I will never forget that car ride. You know your life is going to change in a way you can't truly imagine. I will also never forget the car ride to my wedding for the same reason. We arrived at the hospital, checked in and went to our birthing suite. We had our cards and some movies (Scarface...he he). We were giggly and excited and scared. They started me on pitocin and the contractions began. We had fun playing cards for awhile and the nurses kept increasing the dosage until I could no longer concentrate on anything but the pain. At one point, I snapped at John and said, "women who want to do this naturally and f*&%ing crazy." Not my finest moment but it sure made him laugh. I didn't want to be immobile for the labor so we did all the suggested walking, ball squats, shower, etc. and I delayed the epidural. After several hours, I was told that I was on the maximum dose of pitocin and with the contractions as intense and close together that I should be full dilated. That's when I knew it was ok to ask for the pain doctor. I knew if I waited too long, I may not get him. Plus, the doctors thought if I had some pain relief maybe I would make more progress.

The anesthesiologist was horrible. The drugs were great but he was not. By then, we were in the late night shift. He had my nurse answer his cell phone while he was putting the needle in my back and she held it up to his ear so he could talk. The nurse was supposed to be helping me through the horrible contraction I was having and keeping me still. Instead she was helping the doctor with his phone call. And, it's a little hazy but I'm pretty sure we were appalled about his conversation. He had messed up the dosage with another patient and now he has a needle in my back. Thankfully, he didn't paralyze me. Soon after the shot, my arms started to go numb so they were constantly adjusting the dosage and at one point turned it off completely. I had been in labor for about 14 hours when I told John to go get a "real" meal and I would try to rest. The doctors had already switched shifts and when she came in to talk to me John was gone. We had been told because of the size of the baby, they may have to break her collarbone to get her out. John and I were very worried about that possible outcome. And, if the labor didn't progress the baby may simply be too big and then we could have an emergency situation. My doctor said that she couldn't continue with the pitocin at that level for much longer and I wasn't progressing so she believed it was time to go forward with a c-section. I agreed and the pitocin was ordered to be turned off (it wasn't but the epidural was). They paged John and started to wheel me out of the room and I started vomiting. I was terribly nervous and they make you drink a horrible liquid to keep you from vomiting and choking during the surgery.

John returned not having heard the page but in time to be dressed for the operating room. I kept telling the nurse that I was feeling the contractions strongly but there was some apparent confusion between her and the anesthesiologist. Anyways, they separated John and I so they could prep for the section. Being strapped down to the table was a horrible, powerless feeling and I was still contracting. My doctor figured out right away when she came into the operating room that something was off. My nurse was reprimanded and excused. John came in and held my hand like he did during our wedding. He's my rock. The surgery began and the pain was unbelievable. I let out a guttural scream and John says my eyes rolled back in my head. I was given a heavy dose of valium immediately and the surgery waited until I passed some more pain tests. Finally, I felt her be lifted out and I heard her strong cry. The most beautiful cry in the world and I was so relieved and happy. My tears were the definition of tears of joy. There was a consensus that she had quite a pair of lungs on her and she still does!

John was able to see her bathed and measured. He brought her to me and she had the most beautiful, tiny pink face. She was perfect. Everyone was commenting on how big a baby she was but to me she looked like the tiniest person I'd ever seen. There was meconium in the waters so she was taken to the nursery for a bit and had some tests while I went to recovery. If you have never had a baby, let me warn you that after the birth the nurses will push down on your uterus every 15 minutes for an hour to an hour and a half to help it go back where it belongs. Be prepared. If your nurse isn't good, it hurts like you can't believe. I've gone through it twice and the second time it was no big deal. But after Isabelle's birth, I was ready to hurt that nurse if she touched me again.

I was taken to my hospital room and about 2-3 hours after I had Isabelle, I was able to hold her for the first time. It was somewhere around 5 am and I couldn't stop staring at her. I wouldn't let her sleep in the nursery. I didn't care how tired I was. I wouldn't let her out of my sight. To this day, I am in awe of the fact that she is actually my daughter. I did wonder after a few months when her parents were going to come get her because it was an exhausting babysitting job. It took awhile to completely comprehend that I am her momma and it's on me to care for her and be there for her forever. I'm honored to have the best job in the world.

Isabelle Erin, 6/24/2008, 9 lbs. 8oz.

Crossroads

I have been so blessed to be able to stay home with Isabelle and Ryan. I know there are many people who never get a choice. I'm approaching a crossroads where I have to decide what I am going to do when I graduate in December. I love being with the kids. I love sharing their days and being able to watch them grow as well as being very attuned to their needs and changes. And, I'll be honest, I don't trust day care workers to care for my children like I could. I do feel more at ease with them being older and capable to communicate how they spent their day and voice any potential concerns. With that said, there are beautiful, wonderful people in the centers and I value the social and educational value for children who are ready.

I love being with the kids but I am also eager to start my career. I feel like it has been such a long road just getting to the starting point and I don't want to miss the opportunity to start as I did with journalism. When I graduated with a journalism degree, I needed to move with the job and keep writing in order to keep my clips current. Well, I was engaged to get married in 3 months and my husband was still working and finishing his degree. Moving wasn't in the cards at the time. Plus, I lived in a small town which was over-saturated with journalists. I took a job as a bilingual customer service rep. for a company where I could use my French degree speaking to Canadians. It was awful. I sat in a cubicle listening to people complain all day. It didn't matter what language they spoke. I tried selling furniture and worked my way up to managing a small furniture store. Good money but also not satisfying. I remember talking to my mom and I still think of her sage advice, "figure out how you want to spend your day and then find a way to get paid for it." I figured I wanted to spend my day helping kids learn. I knew that was satisfying. It was helping others in a positive manner without taking on a lot of negative energy.

In 2005, I started substitute teaching. I also had a summer school job with my own classroom of K-3 students who were struggling to move to the next grade level and also had tough economic and social/family struggles. I've never had such a wonderful experience. I taught a boy to read who was resistant and had a speech impediment. Each of my students left with more self-confidence. And, the class tested as the most improved in the academy from their pre- and post-assessments. I was hooked. I wanted to be a teacher. I found that I had to go back to school and I might as well get a master's degree with the amount of coursework I'd have to take for a teaching license. At this point, my husband was graduating and itching to leave MO. He knew the area was limiting and certainly not large enough for him to breathe on his own. So, we literally took out a U.S. map and started eliminating areas and states. My only requirement was that there had to be a decent college nearby for teaching. His focus was on getting an IT position.

He graduated in December. Again, my wise mom said, "maybe you should visit the city before you move there." Sure did. Visited in January, signed a lease and moved in on Valentine's Day. I think she was attempting to help us slow down and evaluate our decision but instead we just jumped right in. Here we are. Halfway between the beach and the mountains. No more than 3 cold months a year. Plenty of college choices and the best IT center for jobs in the country. Granted, we never advertised all the motivations for our move or that neither of us had a job lined up when we drove across the country. But, we both took turns at temp positions and I worked a couple jobs for awhile. John landed a fantastic job with a great company and he has felt at home ever since. I met a wonderful lady, Vicki, who helped me realize how library science allowed me to use some of my journalism skills while also teaching. Three years of graduate school. Two children. Here lies my crossroads.

I'm not looking for a job yet but I've had 3 calls for interviews in the past 2 weeks. I had a job offer in the spring and I'm really scared to be turning anything down in this economy. But, I have an internship lined up for the fall. John will be able to be with the kids on Thursdays since he works a 4-day week now. (He's still full-time--just 4 long days to allow an extra day off.) I may need to go in for a couple hours for a few Tuesdays but, again I am blessed with a wonderful neighbor who has offered to help out. So, what do I do once I have that degree? Do I continue to trust that everything will work out and that I could be so lucky to get a part-time job that incorporates the best of both worlds? Or, do I need to make a choice...work or kids? There is obviously a financial aspect to the picture. More money would be very helpful but childcare costs prevent you from getting too far ahead. Any sage advice would be appreciated.

Baby girl is growing so fast

This morning Isabelle had her first dentist appointment. She was excellent and her teeth are looking great. So, the wrestling, headlocks, bargaining and pleading for her to allow me to brush her teeth are working out. That was really the only question I had for them: how do you brush a child's teeth who wants to do everything herself? Evidently I'm not going to traumatize her so keep up the good work. Fantastic! Oh, and I should start flossing soon, too! Really? That sounds like a lot of fun. I can't wait to stick my fingers in there. I know how hard she bites the toothbrush. I will say the dentist office was so much cooler than when I was a kid. There are fish everywhere and it looks like you are under the sea with a pirate chest of goodies. There is a separate kids area waiting room with games and a salt-water fish tank. On top of it, the dentist and hygienists were so happy and kid-friendly, it made me wonder if they had been sneaking some of the laughing gas.

After our big girl adventure at the dentist, we went by her soon-to-be preschool to turn in the paperwork and show her the classrooms. It's a wonderful church preschool where she will have some formal teaching and weekly chapel. However, it's mainly so she can spend more time socially with other children her age and it's only 3 hours a day for 2 days a week. I know it will be good for her but it seems like yesterday that she was just a newborn. So much of our time is spent on the day-to-day chores, feeding, cleaning and routines. It is easy to forget how quickly time passes. I've heard it just gets faster every year. Regardless, I think I may be the mom with the Kleenex box in the carpool line come September.

A long nap is not always a good thing

This past Sunday was great! Both babies were having a much longer than usual nap time. I was getting so much accomplished and it was so quiet. After awhile, I started to get worried. It was similar to the feeling you get when your child is too quiet during playtime and you instinctively know they are getting into trouble. I tried to brush it off because I can hear them downstairs when they are awake and I'd been upstairs to double check a few times so it was wise to push on with the chores so I could relax at the end of the day. Finally, I hear Ryan awake. I go in there and hear a knock coming from my daughter's door. OF course, that is a little weird. Let me preface this by saying she is one where if she is up, everyone in the house is up because she is hollering or singing loudly. And, she has recently transitioned into a toddler bed so she is busting out of that door at the first chance she gets when she wakes up. Hmmm. So I leave the baby in the bed and go to open the door. There she stands totally naked with her hands on her hips. It's amusing for a second until I smell it. An unmistakable odor of poo. A mild panic sets in and the scavenger hunt is under way. I'm whisking my daughter into the bathroom to clean her because of course she has tried to clean herself up unsuccessfully. Then I'm throwing the sheets off the bed, looking under toys, constantly asking Isabelle, "where's your diaper?" She just keeps saying "poo-poo" over and over again. Meanwhile, baby Ryan is screaming because I left him in his crib to attend to the poo. So, I stop and try to think like a toddler. The diaper basket. The cute little diaper basket that holds all the clean diapers and wipes. Of course. There is was. Smeared all over the basket, the carpet, the bedding, the door. The blessing of a long nap turned into a cleaning frenzy from top to bottom, including the carpet for the rest of the afternoon. The potty training seats were ordered that night. I also indulged in "The No-Cry Potty Training Solution:Gentle Ways to Help Your Child Say Good-Bye to Diapers." Fun Times.

Welcome

I decided I'd join the bandwagon and begin a blog. It really is a selfish endeavor because it will allow me to reflect and look back on the funny stories, the tough times, and the awesome milestones of raising my kiddos. I'd journal but quite frankly this is an easier way to reflect as well as share with others. I know blogging is a bit self-indulgent but I also find it could help me become a better mother by putting my stories out there and soliciting input from others. If you feel so inclined, you are welcome to follow my crazy journey of motherhood. I make no promises or guarantees about the entertainment value but I am opening up some life stories to share with you and encourage advice and comments.