My baby is turning 10 months old next week and I haven't blogged in more than 6 months. What a roller coaster it has been! So much has happened that I could have written about but usually sitting at the computer is a luxury. And, I currently have the attention span required of facebook and pinterest. However, today is a new day. Last night, I slept for the first night in more than 18 months! Yep. My brain was still "dream-active" but I finally reached a couple REM cycles and it felt good to wake up this morning.

I've debated for months about how to document this latest journey in motherhood while still protecting myself and my family from the general population that could read this blog. We've chosen to keep the details private because unfortunately there are people in our lives who've tried to use information about us as gossip or to further a personal agenda rather than simply loving and supporting us as a family unit. I've been going through some health challenges--nothing that cannot heal in time, as far as we currently know. I say that because I've realized so much of medicine is trial and error and testing and re-testing. I am still very much in that stage where there are unanswered questions and some experimentation with medicines. Yet, I don't have any doubt that this is merely God's way of reminding me to focus on his blessings and use these challenges to better appreciate my journey. I personally know women who are fighting for their lives right now and I am not one of them. These women have brought me daily inspiration and praying for them has allowed me the opportunity to be a better mother.

I have learned so much about myself and life during these past months. Originally, I felt guilty about my health care costs taking away from our family budget and our children's activities. Now, I am choosing not to feel guilty about that anymore. We were still able to give the kids a great birthday party, which was a splurge, and one I felt they probably needed. And, as my husband said, "you are the engine that drives this ride. If you aren't running well then none of us are moving forward." It was sweet and insightful but perhaps a bit of an exaggeration of my role. Yet, he has a valid point that I need to take care of myself so I can take care of everyone else and we'd find a way to make it work if it were anyone else in our family so, why not me? Thankfully, it has provided opportunities to be more creative in how we spend our time together. Note: vinegar has become a great ally in cleaning, too! :-)

I am very grateful for my family and we are very blessed. There will always be unanswered questions in some manner or other and my learning that I can't always control the direction this family is driving is one I will have to keep reminding myself. I am one lucky woman and learning to focus only on the blessings of today and not on the desires of  tomorrow by saying "someday we'll ..." is indeed a struggle but the reward seems to grow and the worries seem to fade. 

My daughter jumped off the diving board today. She just turned 4. I was encouraging her while feeling like my heart was in my stomach until she popped her head up and said, "look, Momma, I did it!" My son turns 3 next week and much of our time is spent in the thrones of potty training. He's doing much better than I'd anticipated and continues to surprise me. He had a great moment today and all he wanted was my excitement at his accomplishment. Yesterday, my baby said ma-ma for the first time and belly-laughs when I shake my hair around. With all this love and all this growing and learning, how could I possibly feel anything but loved and blessed?

My prayers and thoughts are with those who are struggling with their own health issues and especially the families and victims of the Colorado shooting and any other senseless act of violence.    




      

Christmas Chaos

The wait is over. We had a healthy baby boy who turned three months old yesterday. I kept thinking I'd write a blog once I caught a break and things slowed down. Ha! That didn't happen so I'm letting my 2 year old play in bed while the other two oversleep their nap to squeeze this in. What a whirlwind. Having 3 kids is much different, we are truly outnumbered now. Adding a new person to the family is in a sense like resetting your family dynamics back to zero yet accounting for the time you've already served. I found I had to learn new ways to multitask and let things slide that I had mastered before. However, the baby part is much easier. I know what I'm doing and he's easy. He doesn't go anywhere and the worst thing he does is cry a little when he gets hungry or tired. And, I no longer run to his side or hover like I did with the first or even the second. I trust myself and my instincts like never before. The neurotic parenting calms down a bit with each one, at least here it has, if not someone would have had a nervous break down.

All in all, things are great. Baby boy sleeps through the night but he's still in our room. In this case, I know how fast these babies grow so I hold on a little longer to some stages. Plus, we have company coming and will be doing some room shuffling so it's easier to keep him with us just a little longer. Most of my days are like juggling balls inside a hamster wheel. On a good day, I get a shower. On a great day, a bath, and on a bad day I'm likely to crash with the stench of baby vomit. Hey, it happens. The rest of the family is getting used to a new family member. Everyone is in love with this little dude but no one wants to share Momma's time or attention.

Here's an example: Christmas morning. We stayed home, just our little family. Easy, right? Nope. I'd gone from one holiday to another since having our youngest making sure everything was taken care of, doing the cooking, the shopping, the wrapping. I was ready to kick back and enjoy my kids and the magic of Christmas morning. I had done all the heavy lifting so now the reward, sitting back and enjoying the family. Well, that's what was in my head.

In reality, my oldest stayed up really late waiting to hear Santa. In turn, my hubby and I were up really late. My 2 year old was up really early and so was the baby. We were all ready to go downstairs finally. My hubby goes down to get the camcorder and start the coffee. I head down with the kids and my hubby hollers at my oldest and tells her she can't go in there b/c he can't get the camcorder to work. That doesn't fly as a valid excuse for a 3 year old. Crying ensues. I'm a little peeved. My 2 year old is thoroughly confused about what is going on and the baby has to be fed, again. So, I get things back on track and the kids are happy and excited, getting into it. Then, my hubby says "so, when are you making breakfast? I'm getting pretty hungry." Really? I have one of the best husbands in the world but this was not one of his finest moments. And, instead of doing the smart thing like telling him to go eat one of the hundred Christmas cookies in the kitchen, I start making breakfast.

So, I'm "stewing" and the kids are running into the kitchen to show me their gifts, the baby gets hungry and my hubby is hungry, both of which can make the rest of us miserable. When breakfast is ready, I have to bargain with the kids to come to the table and then they refuse to eat. Chaos ensues for the rest of the day until they go to bed early. Then, I get a bath. It turned out to be a great day! This is our life right now. It may sound less than ideal and certainly no "White Christmas" but I wouldn't change a thing. There were some very special memories made among that chaos. We had a nice New Year's but already have had some surprises. My 2 year old is going to have surgery in the near future. It's nothing major but it does require general anesthesia. So, I'm likely to worry until he completes his recovery. Please say a little prayer for him. Have a happy New Year and may you find joy among your chaos.