I had planned to blog more this summer but I suppose we were too busy having fun. We traveled home for my cousin's wedding and were able to spend some nice quality time with my family. Isabelle was a beautiful flower girl. Ryan turned 2 and is going to be a big brother soon which is hard to believe. And, we had a great time riding out Hurricane Irene by watching movies and placing items on Momma's belly to watch the baby kick them off. Those are the highlights and now it's officially autumn.
This is my last week as a mother of two children. Next week, I will be a mother of three children, three years and younger. I feel blessed and excited but I'd be remiss if I didn't say I also feel a little anxious. John and I had talked about how amazing it is that you can't imagine another person in your family because you haven't met them yet--despite the growing pregnancy. However, the second your child is born, you can't imagine your family without that child as if they'd always been there. It's a truly humbling and amazing experience. There are so many movies and books about romance and finding your soul mate. So much of our culture is focused on the experience of romantic love. Yet, I feel like there's this big secret missing from all those stories. When it comes to having babies, you hear more about changing diapers and losing sleep than the miracle of falling in love again. Each time you bring a child into this world you are able to experience a new love all over again. You fall in love with your child and you fall into a deeper love with your spouse. That is the blessing, excitement and anticipation of having another child as well as the journey of discovering their unique personality.
The anxiousness comes from the reality and earthly logistics of expanding your family. I worry about the changes for my other children and how they will handle a new sibling. I worry about finances particularly with this one because of the state of the economy and the extreme pinch we've felt with inflation since our first child. And, I know what it takes to have a newborn in the house again. I remember the exhaustion of nursing, the lack of sleep, and the caginess that comes with protecting the babies from outside illnesses. I also worry about my husband's first two months with a new baby in the house. Of course, fathers fall in love with their children when they meet but they haven't had the same bonding experience of living with that child as a mother has had for the past 9 months. Mothers have already changed everything about their lives to prepare for the birth of that child and have been feeling that child living within them for months. I always have to remind myself that my husband didn't have that experience in order to respect his unique journey. Sure, the belly was there and he was engaged but his priority was me. For him, his world gets turned upside down on the day of the birth not during a pregnancy test or a sonogram or feeling those first kicks.
Despite the anxious feelings and the excitement of waiting for the big day, I feel the most relaxed about this birth than the others. By now, I've learned that I'm not in control. I've learned to surrender to what will be. Only God knows what child will be coming into our lives and I trust God to prepare me in caring for this new life. The best example I can think of is when women get so caught up in the planning of their wedding. They plan details and logistics for months with so many going overboard these days. Yet, the truly beautiful weddings are the ones where the women allow themselves to surrender control of those details on the wedding day. They trust that they've done everything they can to make it a beautiful occasion for everyone and they let go of the preconceived ideas of how that day should be in order to live in the moment. They spend the day celebrating their love with their partner and enjoying the experience of that day. That is my goal for the remainder of this pregnancy and the birth of this child. The house may not be totally clean by the time my mom arrives and I may not have my hospital bag packed until we leave but I will take time to enjoy our family as a foursome and the ability to take a nap.
